Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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