Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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