i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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