I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My penis needs a shock collar
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
