Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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