I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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