Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
