I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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