The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
not ubering you a puppy
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
