Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm like, not good at living.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
