I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
