You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
