Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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