Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My nipple is on Facebook.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
