the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
