im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
