I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
