There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
