ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
