if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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