I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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