you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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