either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
