3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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