DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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