I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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