there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
