I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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