I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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