you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
