I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
