I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
