It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
