Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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