Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
