i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
