I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
