I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
