I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
