so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
