period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And then he peed in my hair
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