First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
