I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
