if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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