Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
