Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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