I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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