And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
