I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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