dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
