this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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