so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?