cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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