this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
