You smell like stripper and shame
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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