I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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