conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
