You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
