Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
