I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
