So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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